I have wondered about time and seasons for much of my life. I have noticed that some years nothing happens, and then some years, it seems that everything happens at once. Time is a human construct because human logic doesn’t do well with spiritual reality and the concept of eternity. I don’t know about anyone else, but I seem to have seasons of defining moments that pour into paradigm shifts about every three to four years. 2015 was a year like that. As we approach 2019, I wonder what kind of crazy ride that I will find. 2018 was unprecedented in what it brought me.
On November 21, 2015, I had a vision for things to come that only continued to escalate until that wave broke on the shore of what appears to be a Promised Land. When I say that, I don’t mean a place of religious significance or perceived privilege governed by the human ego. I am referring to a place that I have been able to see in the distance since the day I had that vision. It truly feels like home, for once in my life. At this point, I understand the Biblical references in that story. The giants I had to kill were in my soul, as well as in the perceptions I had of others and how they would treat me.
Throughout all of this, I learned something that would have been a game changer if I had known it sooner. Attachments are reactive when they are the outflow of need. Coping mechanisms are what we know instead of loving support systems. Self-deception is what we accept as a personal reality. However, the connection is eternal. It isn’t affected by time, distance, or circumstances. It’s there, doesn’t fade away, and can be picked back up after a season of separation. In pretty much every area of life, a connection gives us access to the power that allows us to network, communicate, and promote what needs a safe place to grow. Attachments usually have to be scanned for viruses that can infect and multiply our problems. That is where I learned the difference between someone toxic who poisons the garden and someone who wants to share that intimate space. It can only happen with those that can aspire to grow and adjust to what requires shared responsibility.
One of my favorite movies is “Crocodile Dundee.” There is a famous scene that everyone can quote because it is such a great scene. “That’s not a knife. This is a knife.” Sometimes, all it takes to deter threats is to carry a more powerful weapon than what threatens you. As long as people can cause fear and pain in what they feel powerful, they will keep doing it.
It has been pretense that traumatized me the most. The deception creates a real emotional response to something that was just a manipulation of perception. What was being revealed to me was this. “That’s not a life. This is life!” Imagine God saying that to whatever you fear most, “You are not a threat, I AM. I AM LIFE.” That is what He spoke to Death when He overcame its power with His own life.
Whenever someone threatens me with loss, they are just showing me what they fear most. Desolation is the result of what is desecrated and stolen in secret places. Spiritual abuse flows when we choose to agree with our history instead of having a vision that develops with increasing clarity. Abusive attitudes are about giving our egos strength instead of our souls. We create monsters instead of overcoming what empowers them.
Perceived rejection is usually not as personal as it feels. There will be whispers in the dark long before bombshells drop on your head. The bombshells are evidence of whatever we have made a place of worship. Others see it uncovered but are hiding in shame. When this starts happening, be sure that you are on your way up from whatever has tried to drag you back down again to its mediocrity. Being given authority is different than being given responsibility. Abuse for personal advantage allows denial of responsibility. When your soul is being expressed instead of your ego, there will be no shortage of people who will take shots at you. It is usually those you share bloodlines with that feel the most justified in doing this.
In spiritual terms, bloodlines are symbolic. We believe that generational things go through the family. That may be true of physical realities, but we can choose how we respond to the spiritual. I was taught from a young age to internalize shame while externalizing self-pity. That keeps me from ever seeing myself as I am. When all is said and over, I learn how to live in frustration and confusion. That is the outflow of punishment for what would have set me free from all of my identity issues. I have found something interesting that I wish I had known all my adult life. Feeling guilty is a natural response to an offense. It gives us a fair chance to clean up our messes and to recover from them. However, condemnation and shame attack our identity and make us want to hide. It is a demotivator that doesn’t lead to a more abundant flow of life. It is what keeps us from feeling joy when we could. I came up with an acronym that describes what it does to us in ways most won’t acknowledge. S.H.A.M.E. = Self Hatred Against My Eternity. That is why people lash out instead of discussing things maturely. I believe that it is a lack of spiritual flow that makes things stagnant and toxic. That is the result of deception that protects interests that would never survive the impact of accountability. While people act like they have done nothing wrong and that it is your reaction that is the problem, they are inadvertently revealing how much they hate their behavior. An understanding of this is the beginning of learning empathy. Sympathy means that we understand why someone feels the way they do, but knowing the unspoken depths of unbearable pain is empathy.
To me, eternity is not some future concept but something that is. We need defining moments to be able to find our place in our eternity. Otherwise, we would go crazy. That is why self-awareness is so vital. Mindfulness of our alignments keeps us from sabotaging future success. Self-hatred will always go against whatever our eternity has for us. We are known intimately by our Creator, and it is the pretense of ego when we feel alone. Death is a lie like loneliness. That is something that feels very real to us but is a matter of perception and perspective. Introspection is needed when we believe what our history says about us instead of what could be validated. So what have I found on the other side of this? What we need is the awareness of Presence. Sometimes, you have to lose your mind to find your soul, and then God restores the value of life to both. That is the most stunning revelation to me, ever. I spent years thinking that I was mentally ill because of the denial of others. What I found out is that I was having a normal reaction to an abnormal level of self-hatred. The reflection of the torment that someone else’s isolation was bringing them is what I wasn’t allowed to challenge. There are real victims in this. However, they are the ones that won’t pull that card because they know that it isn’t worth it. That’s how I know now that whoever tries to create a place of privilege in their denial knows what they do. Love will always be the higher element that rises above what is only trying to counterfeit its power to resolve. That’s why I find it interesting that there are different definitions for the word “aether.” We won’t realize just how toxic the air we breathe is until we are given some purity in higher places.