Time doesn’t heal anything. It becomes septic, buried under layers of callous. On the surface, it becomes an insensitive place that lacks feeling. Underneath, it is a constant, never-ending pain that is so subconscious we learn to live with it. We become so accustomed it doesn’t even trigger red flags anymore. There’s no sense, no peace, no freedom, or healing.
It just is, and there appears to be no way out. Any attempts to find what would give us relief, identity, and even comfort, are quickly condemned. The backlash we get from trying to heal ourselves feels like more punishment but is evidence of what the truth is revealing.
I have wondered my whole life why trying to relate to others and find context to my experience was offensive. It seems to me that when we learn how to respond, there is no room for reactions. I would say that annoyance is an emotional reaction. It is my quickest and most common reaction to things. I was invited to lunch one day with a friend who told me to find a table. I wanted to sit outside because the weather was nice. Our table had one of those fiberglass umbrellas over it. I like to have a good conversation over food. I noticed an echo around me whenever I would talk, but I didn’t know what was causing it. It was messing with my head to hear my words come back to me. So I started looking around when I would talk.
The umbrella was a solid concave shape that would reflect sound. It made me think of that quote that says, “What you do in this life echoes in eternity.” It makes me wonder if what we say influences others that hear us but don’t have the context to understand the evidence.
An echo is sound hitting a hard surface. That is what happens when we are trying to communicate with others, sometimes. They aren’t receptive, and it makes us feel empty and alone. Reverberation is the repetition of sound once the source has gone silent. It is the perception of the brain as a continuous sound. That is a good parallel of psychological character damage caused by verbal and emotional abuse we endured when we were younger. We continue to hear those words long after they have stopped because they are bouncing around in our hearts, minds, and souls. Those words, spoken over us before we had a fully developed ego, became an abomination to us and robbed us of a stable identity. We knew things but not the context to understand their purpose. That is where we feel lost in those echoes.
Mercy is not a weak virtue that lets things slide because it wants peace. It is a savage response to what brings the sting of death into our relationships. I started asking questions the year I started blogging that no one wanted me to touch. I finished that race this year by finding all of the answers that God had been preparing me to process. A new life becomes possible when we are willing to lay down what we thought was life and become open to reality. Being controlled by fear and pain was always a pretense.
I saw a Tweet yesterday that said, “We need to stop apologizing for God, and start apologizing to Him for the ways we have been embarrassed by how He chooses to reveal Himself.”
If we believe that intimacy is purely sexual, we have a personal disadvantage from the beginning. It’s like fighting with one arm tied behind your back. You will spend the rest of your life on the defensive when people aren’t “playing by the rules” that you guard in shame. You will keep your distance and stand in harsh judgment of their attitudes and behaviors. People will do this while marking themselves as the morally superior ones.
Some next-level stuff has been occurring in my life for the last three years. I didn’t realize it at the time, but God released me from marriage in the Summer of 2016. He gave me a vision of things that aren’t just manifesting in my world right now but are exploding and lighting up my universe. He told me that He was about to give me hope that wouldn’t disappoint. Within three months, things started to accelerate in ways I had never seen before. I thought that He was going to restore my marriage. Instead, He revealed to me the true intimate nature of the connection between souls. Within a year, I was writing my visions down. I wasn’t just trying to make sense of them. I was giving insight into what they meant to me. This approach rattled others in ways that I didn’t know how to process for a while. They were shaking their proverbial chains at me.
Contrary to what cultural Christians will lead you to believe, we are born with spiritual gifts that are irrevocable. Ego will speak over the quiet voice of the soul. You have to find your gifts and develop them. You will not lose what is inherent because you did not use it. Gifts manifest even when they appear dormant. You will know because they connect to your passions. One of my followers told me that many bloggers write about truth, but few have profound insight into that truth. That was one of the most sincere compliments I had ever gotten. I know this person intimately, and their spiritual gifts are encouragement and teaching. Their writing style is much like mine. They use a lot of allegory and symbolism to tell their stories. It didn’t hit me until I started taking my writing seriously that people believe in me for a reason.
Sometimes, we are telling stories that “we aren’t allowed to tell.” That’s why we use symbolism to express what only the soul will truly understand in silence. That is where I found that I am not alone. Some people have inhabited the same spaces as me. We didn’t see each other because of how we learned to self-destruct in the presence of carnal knowledge. Most people will only see that as sexual because that’s what we know. It is the spiritually intimate knowledge of good and evil. That’s why purity isn’t about sexuality, either. It is a simple truth shared between souls that know each other. We make things legalistic because of the advantage it gives our egos. Our souls are released in ways that legalism will only keep us bound that never leads to spiritual intimacy.
I started doing word studies for my blogs because I realized that people don’t know true meanings. They have only known emotional reactions to what they have an offense. The whole point of punishing people with truth is to keep them from focusing on the reality of purpose. I asked someone today if they know what an abomination is. I see parallels with that word because of a connection I made between Dune and Black Panther. If something is worthy of hatred, it is because someone misused it in intimate places. They stole that power in covert ways.
My grandmother used to say, “Be sure that your sins will find you out.” She meant it in a condemning way. Conviction reminds us of what is right and fair in ways that reveal virtue in identity. The man, robbed of his dignity through injustice, may not know how to respond to a woman strong enough to stand up to him.
Conviction brings value into identity instead of just marking us guilty as charged. Toxicity is the awareness of being between life and death and not being allowed to live or die. Existing in quiet desperation, we can see the power in others, but not in ourselves.
Resurrection does not necessarily bring us back to life, just back to what we knew before. We need release into a new life that doesn’t smell like the death we know. Fear of loss manifests itself in so many ways that we get lost in the irony of it all. A virtuous woman brings value to the lives of others. She doesn’t feed off of the life that she creates.
As a mother of sons, I have tried to be mindful of this. Our culture normalizes far too much toxicity that spiritually neuters our men. A testimony is not what we say as much as it is the quiet ability to reproduce an influence in our generations.
I love to watch science fiction, fantasy, and superhero movies. There are so many philosophical parallels that you would have to be in denial not to make those connections. When I use my passion for subculture and pop culture, I get deflection with the usual default reactions. People take offense when I sympathize with the villain, and that I have drawn personal insight from their interactions with the heroes.
I have heard it for years from self-righteous souls that have already decided that they are right simply they are “good.” “But he’s the bad guy,” they say when I have made a valid point when they want it to be entertaining. No one ever knows how to respond to that. All they needed was an emotional reaction. It leaves everything so undeveloped because that kind of flawed logic makes all arguments invalid by making them one-sided. The irony is that the things they feel compelled to do to be deemed acceptable are the very things that would bring the most judgment.
To teach morality in the absence of a saving knowledge and understanding of the original purpose of grace creates an outflow of condemnation. It is a vicious and exhausting cycle. I believe this is the main reason people don’t learn empathy. They are too busy feeling so much pity that they only understand the pain that the knowledge of experience brings. They believe it is wrong to enter into someone else’s pain. That is where the real tragedy occurs. I have found that abuse and heartbreak are recoverable. The lack of moral support is what kills the heart and soul. That is the point from which all trauma flows.
I am a long-time fan of the Avengers, and I cosplay Black Widow. I was looking for something to express myself that would be fun and give me some community with others when I started. I had no idea how much personal awareness this would restore to me. It was all a devastating blow at the beginning. Even my best attempts to escape from a world of pain were another doorway into more profound levels of it. From the first time I walked into a cosplay convention, I could see vivid landscapes painted with the evidence of what others were bringing into that atmosphere, as well.
I didn’t understand what I could see until I started to develop new connections with others. I still remember the day one of my new cosplay friends told me that he could feel pain flowing off others like a waterfall. I didn’t know what to make of that because no one had ever been willing to be so honest with me about that. Whenever I find someone that understands life, it goes toxic. The first thing I did was start looking for my place in this. I don’t want to cause more pain unknowingly or unnecessarily. Life has enough pain without sharpening it.
It has been a crazy and intense ride. I thought I knew something about empathy until I got into the depths of this journey. We perceive our projected emotions like empathy when we make them feel personal. This form of manipulation is so covert that not even the person doing it is always consciously aware of it. That’s why projection is such a confusing concept. It frustrates others whenever we are feeling threatened by our desires. Once I understood this, it was amazing how easy it was to communicate with others in a way that would open their hearts. I had always been socially awkward in knowing how to relate to others in a personal way. Everything would always crash and burn and make me feel even more isolated in my desire for intimate connections.
The most amazing thing I found in all of this is that it is love that calms an angry heart and brings it back into its meaning and purpose. Those that teach us the most about love are the ones that never knew how to love us. As much as people may have cared about us, sometimes they set the example of how to survive trauma, instead of life and love. Defense mechanisms become the only rule of the game at that point. I was a middle-aged adult before I understood this. If someone gets defensive whenever you try to address behavior, they hide more than answers from you. It is usually not personal. That seems to be the tipping point of reaching out to others that are just as scared as we are of the very things we want most. Traditional wisdom keeps us bound to the games we play to protect ourselves. I needed a break from the moral insanity we learn growing up with a toxic family.
A couple of years ago, I decided that I was tired of the usual games people play. I want what should be valued and shared instead of being abandoned and discarded. I wanted to redefine what it meant to be virtuous. It was because I was being viewed by others apart from what I had known my whole life. I have learned that if we don’t add value to our own lives, no one else increases that value for us. They will accept the image we project even if it doesn’t represent what they see in us.
I have also found that setting boundaries invite respect. It feels like we are hated by those who resent confrontation and correction of their attitudes. When you do this, it doesn’t just set a new standard. You become the standard that measures the quality of other things. So here’s the most unexpected part of all of this. I give strength to others that I didn’t know they needed by showing them my inherent value. That started with me trying to protect my value after a lifetime of spiritual/emotional abuse.
It ended with me seeing what others were being reactive to when my light would shine in their eyes. It was refreshing to know that men saw my gentleness as a virtue after so much criticism. For once, I knew that it wasn’t about winning some perceived trophy. It was about being the kind of woman that gave favor without a hidden agenda attached. The prize to be won became irrelevant.
A good woman is a good woman regardless of her relationship status. She gives what she has received graciously. That means that she makes grace under fire look beautiful and badass. Men can’t help but admire such a woman. We will be saved from so much grief if we truly understand that. I thought that I had to be beautiful to receive the praise of others. What I found is that true beauty is spiritually abstract. Not everyone is going to accept the value of what is not honored within themselves.
“It takes virtue to see virtue.” Translation: Don’t sweat the small stuff.
You are so much more than what you believe about yourself. It is so simple when you are finally released from the carnal knowledge that others have dumped on you in private. That is where a new life begins, set apart from the usual entanglements we have associated with love.